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So Are Women Really Unhappy? October 13, 2009

Posted by Nina Rosenstand in Culture, Nina Rosenstand's Posts, Philosophy of Gender.

I’ve been toying with a response to Dwight’s piece about women and happiness , but it got so long that I decided to make it into a post, mainly consisting of stray thoughts. There’s so much one could say about that  issue—for one thing, that Dwight’s final point is exactly what Mary Wollstonecraft was getting at when she said that, contrary what Rousseau and others of the male persuasion claimed at the time, men are not happier having child-like wives; for both to be professionally fulfilled is a win-win situation. Next, I read the Huffington blog, because what I thought it boiled down to was that Arianna herself might be in a funk, but it turned out to be something else, a plug for a future series of guest blogs by Marcus Buckingham on his media tour! So are women really unhappy, or is Buckingham trying to sell a book claiming that women are unhappy, in an attempt to get unhappy women to buy the book? Oh, I’m so cynical. But I’m generally skeptical of generalizations and blanket statements, especially about people’s amorphous feelings. Are Danes really happy? (That one keeps coming up, and I’m asked at least once a week about the true state of mind of the Danes! Enough, already!) Are women really unhappy? These tabloid-type questions are almost impossible to take seriously unless we do the metaethical groundwork and identify what we mean by happiness, exactly like Dwight suggests. It is in itself fascinating that up until recently philosophers were preoccupied with dread, anguish, Being-Unto-Death, Philosophy of Dying, and other grim but occasionally worthwhile subjects. And now we agonize over getting the right words to pin down the happiness factor. The Mystery of Joy! Which, too, is an occasionally worthwhile subject. And there could well be a connection between the analysis of the happiness of the Danes and the supposed unhappiness of American women: The lower the expectations, the more at ease you might be with less. The higher the expectations, the more frustration you’re likely to feel. That’s a bit simplistic, but it does contain a grain of truth. In addition to that, the “happiness gurus” have, in their enormous disregard for common sense, declared that having children is a sure path to unhappiness. So if women “want it all,” they set themselves (ourselves) up for certain disappointment if they select children as part of the “all.” But what kind of unhappiness is that? The kind where you have to defer gratification and give up on certain self-serving lifestyles, I suspect.

BUT I will concede that there might be a specific reason why some women in the west aren’t satisfied with having all the new possibilities and various forms of freedom. Not because having more freedom makes you more insecure and confused, etc. That’s just condescending. I don’t really believe that the simple life is a happy one, especially if one is aware of other options. And it is certainly true that women tend to judge themselves harshly, but I don’t think that’s anything new. If anything, I actually believe (contrary to Buckingham) that taking on too many obligations is what stresses us out and makes us feel inadequate (if that means we’re unhappy). The instant rewards and easy gratifications are unfortunately part of what many people today count as a happiness factor. But if we remember John Stuart Mill’s suggestion that “It’s better to be Socrates dissatisfied than a fool satisfied,” (and despite his leaning toward cultural elitism he certainly had a point there) then perhaps some “unhappiness” on the way to one’s higher aspirations is not a bad thing. But there’s another side to this: many, many women of Huffington’s generation (and mine, “2nd Wave feminists”) have assumed that men are generally happy because of the options and freedoms they have traditionally enjoyed. And now that we have those freedoms, too, and we’re no spring chickens any longer, what do we discover? That happiness isn’t automatically a byproduct of having freedom and options, but stress is. Not having options, yes, that can make you unhappy, but having options doesn’t automatically translate into happiness. So some women are disappointed, and feel cheated. “I want my gender neutral happiness like they promised me!” But some of us realize that if you want it all, then you also get to feel inadequate from time to time, and that men of the old patriarchy have known this all too well, in the professional field—dropping dead from stress-related heart disease in their 50s and 60s. It is an age-old assumption among the ones who are “down” that the ones who are ”up” live fat and happy lives. Well—some lives are of course less problematic than others’, especially if those others do much of the work for you. But unproblematic? Hardly.  There’s a built-in tragedy lurking in assuming that happiness is what the other guys have…



1. Erica Lee Strawther - October 14, 2009

We live in an age where you can watch cable and in the course of one hour, you will probably see commercials for a new prescription med in each commercial break. 10 years ago, you would not see a commercial on TV for antidepressants, and who are they marketing to? The commercials often depict women, if you notice, she is sad and lonely looking at the start of the commercial, and she starts the meds and viola! The flowers are blooming again and she is smiling. We are living in a culture takes its daily vitamin with a xanax, and women, long believed to be the more emotional sex, are marketed to by drug companies for all sorts of medicines designed to treat unhappiness. In turn, its creating an image of overwhelmed women who would just be happy if they bought their product.

2. Nina Rosenstand - October 14, 2009

That’s an excellent point which should not be overlooked. In the entire happiness debate there is (at least in the Anglo-American version) an assumption that being happy is morally superior to being unhappy. In the European tradition you’d think it was the other way around—as if angst and ennui have some kind of moral qualities by themselves. But with the normative assessment of happiness as something we ought to have in order to be complete comes the pressure to achieve it through artificial means. Enter the entire prescription drug culture. Thanks for pointing that out.

3. Joey LiMandri - November 2, 2009

You said, “Not having options, yes, that can make you unhappy, but having options doesn’t automatically translate into happiness.” This made me wonder: Could having too many options make a woman unhappy? Maybe having too many options leads to taking on too many tasks, which inevitably leads to stress. A mom, for example, is often torn between being a mother and being a career woman. She feels obligated to take care of her family, but hates that she can’t progress into a more interesting, intellectually-stimulating life-style. If we eliminated option 1, that would mean that the burden of raising a family would cease to exist, thus the option for her to be a career woman would now be tangible. However, here’s where it gets tricky. If she devoted herself entirely to her job, wouldn’t she get lonely? Wouldn’t she long for a family to come home to? It’s as if you can’t have one without the other. A family supports you emotionally, but a job holds its weight mentally. I think what women need to do to find happiness is look at what they really want, not live up to what society thinks of them. If a young Mom wants to, say; travel, she should raise her kids to be self-sufficient or get help from loved ones. It’s all about working around an obstacle. Even if a woman thought the key to happiness was being thin, but thought it unattainable due to her previously-injured knee, she could look into swimming as an alternative exercise to running. Woman, or anyone for that matter, won’t find happiness until they pinpoint what exactly it is that’s making them unhappy.

4. Charlotte Ferguson - November 4, 2009

What is happiness …. How can you be happy all the time.. Why would kids make you happy everyday.. What makes you happy….. To me happiness is when I wake up in the moring and know that today things might and might not go my way. I don’t think anyone can be happy all the time, life is not planned to where you can be happy …things happen.. Kids do make you happy just not everyday.. We all live and learn to know what happy is.. Why women are not as happy because there is usually a man/someone around telling them what to do.. Then they lose their self esteem and think they will never be happy unless they change who they are. When you have to start being happy with who you are not what the world wants you to be.. I am not a happy person everyday.. But I am happy to be who I am. Happy I have a daughter and sons… to let me see how unhappy I can be.. End the end I would never trade the things that make me happy for anything.. So happiness is how you make and what you make of it..

5. Crystal Hensley - November 9, 2009

Life is full of ups and downs, it is a journey to be discovered and I dont remember ever being promised that life was going to bring a endless stream of happiness. When I look back on my life I believe for the most part I have been a happy person, however, there have been times when I’ve been dealt a bad hand, but life is what you make it. It is unreasonable to assume that a person should be happy all the time. In todays society every other magazine ad, and commercials are forcing the believe that people, (women in general) are depressed. But not to worry because they have the soultion…prescribtion drugs. Pharmaceutical companies have created this image of depressed women who are crippled with unhappiness, as a ploy to market their product. Women need to see past the ploy and take happiness into their own hands with the understanding that life doesnt always bring happiness.

6. Jessica Clifford - November 17, 2009

Are Woman really unhappy? With themselves or with the lives they have chosen. Is the satisfaction of independance bittersweet, is the grass greener for the housewife? Unhappiness is present in varying degrees in everyones life, that being said; of course woman are unhappy. We are unhappy just as many many men are unhappy. To say that it encompasses our life in its entirity is an overstatement at the very least. To try to capitalize on women and their Quote on quote UNhappiness, is the American way, and we shouldnt be startled by its audacity, be it in book form or otherwise. We live in a day and age where everyones issues are the interest of everyone else. We watch television shows, buy magazines and gossip about the pitfalls of other fellow humans. We love to see how human the people from the movies are, or can be compared and place in a catagory with us commoners…ie..She has cellulite too?..!:)
However you look at it women have not had a more powerful and free voice than we in the Western world have today in many, many a day. We have rights, and we have choices, that we can use to mold our lives as we see fit. We can be as dependant or independant as we want. Remember not all woman want to be fierce and ruthless out there in the cold cold world. Some much prefer the shadows of a sucessful husband, and as long as she is happy, then, well I suppose she is not unhappy. It is hard to live life, it is hard to be beautiful, ugly short or tall. It is ultimately how you cope with your differences, and change what you can or want, and how you achieve your own happiness that will allow you any sense of fulfillment. We all have something beautiful to offer, we just usually cant see it in ourselves, and therefore are more vulnerable to pressures from the statigic marketing ploys to get our thinking centered around a life in which we must fit certain molds to be happy. Stay on track mentally, find a hobby and be yourself. No drugs are going to change your life, only the way you think your life is going.

7. Noemi Meneguzzo - November 19, 2009

In this question I read two words, “women” and the “idea of happiness.” It is happiness a gender issue? What is the meaning of happiness?

The “pursuit of happiness” is one of the principles of the Constitution of the United States of America. Yet the facts have showed that this pursuit of happiness caused the destruction of the Native American cultures, slavery, racism, and so on. It seems to me that this idea of happiness is connected to freedom – but only to the freedom of the dominators. As woman, I refuse this idea of happiness. I am indeed unhappy. I am unhappy because I decide to focus on the relationship rather than on power as the basis for any “human” achievement. I think that the attention toward relationships is a female characteristic. So in this case I accept that happiness could be a gender issue.

But I also think that happiness is related to the idea of Absolute -call it god, mistery of life, or whatever you want- we have. Some feminist scholars think that it is also a gender issue. I am not so sure of that. A woman cancer survivor told me that we have always two choices: we can live with fear or with faith – of course, I am not referring to a religion, but to a “religious” way to live. When you live with fear you struggle for happiness in every moment of your life. Yet you don’t understand that happiness is a temporary feeling – the same you have when you open your birthday presents. When you life with faith you recognize your ego is not absolute rather it is just a moment of the absolute. This would help you to be “happy” – meaning, in a more realistic way, to live with serenity. So you can have joy, which is a state both of mind and soul, even during difficult moments. In this blog there are the examples both of the athletes and of mothers. Personally, I prefer this last one since I consider “taking care” as a specific female characteristic. And when you take care of another person you live with faith. So, yes, women are unhappy because they don’t deny suffering, but they are able to include it in their life. They have joy during the process… because life is but a process.

8. Olivia De Ramos Phil 102B - December 8, 2009

I agree with Charlotte Ferguson as she questions what happiness means. Happiness is defined in the dictionary as: delighted, pleased, or glad, as over a particular thing: to be happy to see a person. But happiness is so many different things to different people. Happiness to me is seeing my son in the morning and giving him a big hug before I leave for work, while for others, it’s getting off of work. My point is that it’s different for everyone and family, friends, work, school, television, magazines and commercials all have something to do with how we feel and how we look at ourselves and others. I believe that in today’s society, that the majority of the younger people look for happiness in money, cars, clothes and other materialistic possessions, while others find happiness in love, companionship and relationships. A lot of the time, people search their whole lives trying to find happiness, which in my opinion is crazy because anyone could have happiness, or be happy at any time of the day. It is simply an option you can make. You can choose to be happy; you can choose your mood.

9. Jessica Ellis Phil 102b - December 8, 2009

I don’t think it’s about being happy or unhappy. We really don’t know what happy means to different people. You can be just as happy having kids as you can be unhappy about never having them, and vice versa. When you make a decision, there’s always a trade-off. The possibilities lost in having or not having kids are a major issue for women. Having children is a much bigger impact on women than men and the constant “what if” can mistaken for unhappiness because it’s such a huge dilemma. In addition women take on multiple roles in society; wife, mom, executive, breadwinner, etc. Yet our competence is questioned based on the male standard. But such issues are more causes of frustration than they are for unhappiness.

10. Haley Schimmer - December 9, 2009

Relating to our class discussing on Monday, what defines happiness. Is happiness achieved by women establishing careers or families? I believe that happiness is a purpose that defines you. To live with a sense of purpose enables you to be happy with yourself. That is the first step to achieving happiness. One must first learn to love themselves and I dont believe that you can help others without first learning to help yourslef. This is the foundation to a successful lifestyle for a career and a family. Just because you have one or the other, it does not automaticaly equal happiness. One could be rich with both and still remain miserable. The to happiness for anyone, especially women is to first respect yourself before others.

11. Amanda Salama - December 9, 2009

I think the key to happiness lies with a sense of purpose, love, and spirituality (not religion per-se). Many people have a case of the “if-only’s”, only to find that responsibilities come with their desires, and thing don’t pop out of thin air. The new car comes with a payment, which requires income, requiring work. So does the house. So perhaps people have these fantastical expectations of this concept of happiness, overlooking their present fortunes. Our society is a time-pressed society, seeming to always be focusing on the future. So much so, that happiness seems to always be a mirage on the sand, always out of our reach, and impossible to quench. It’s a case of the glass half empty. Instead of looking at the things we do have, we are focused on the things we don’t have. What we want, not what we need. The media leads our society to believe that if we just have this car, or this house, or these clothes, they can give us the validation that we need as human beings. And that’s a neverending game much to the delight of the ones profiting off illusions of grandeur. As for women, not only do we worry about surviving in this fast-paced society, but thanks to Disney movies and fairy-tales, many of us have an unrealistic idea of love and relationships. Again, these dreamy ideals just set us up for dissapointment when we fall short. Being women, we feel the need to prove ourselves, feeling inadequate for being human and making mistakes. What if some of us don’t want to be housewives? What if some of us do? It’s the notion of what we are supposed to be, something that was written in a rule book somewhere, that makes people feel like they are falling short or defective. Pharmaceutical companies profit off of every little issue we have. Don’t like washing dishes? You have anxiety. Take a pill. Whatever happened to personality traits? We live in a fear-mongering nation, always fretting about the next epidemic or terrorist attack. No wonder we’re so focused on the future, and no wonder many people are depressed. I think both sexes suffer from these issues. It’s simply human nature. There always seems to be something missing, leaving us feeling hopeless and despaired. Material things, power, and success may give us temporary gratification but where I think we need to start is in our hearts. It’s time to go back to basics and wanting what we need, instead of needing what we want. Accepting the present and being grateful for what we DO have, and accepting ourselves helps us to be content and love others. We were not biologically made with needs to have a Mercedes or a Mansion. The best things in life are free. Perhaps we should stop listening to the media and rules of living, and listen to our hearts.

12. Paulina Fraser - December 9, 2009

I think that women are targeted by society and stereotyped indefinitely to be the more sensitive gender. With the common misjudgments that women are always on the move to do this, cook that, pick up them, please him, finish that, it makes many think that women can never be satisfied because they are always trying to please others before themselves. However, that’s how women have always been depicting since the dawn of time. Women have been thought of and looked at as the motherly figures to show compassion towards others. Because of that, people always assume that women have a never ending sense to help others, and to an extent that is actually true. However, that is not what causes women to be unhappy like many might think. It’s a joy to help others really. But it’s the stress from it that might cause any unhappiness women may have in helping others. When trying to please everyone else, women tend to lend out more hands than they have because that’s in their nature to want to help. And when they’ve realized they took on to much of a task, they don’t want to back out because they already said they’d help. In either way, all outcomes can lead to unhappiness. However, for the most part women are usually happy if others around them are happy. When women become materialistic and want to opt for more of and more of that, they will never really become satisfied because money can’t buy happiness. So really, when it comes to women, we aren’t unhappy with ourselves (speaking of course about women that don’t have self-esteem problems), we may be unhappy with a choice or course of action we made, but when it comes to who we are as a gender of species, we couldn’t be happier. I am of course, talking in perspective of myself and not for the whole gender of women.

13. Monica Soto Phil 102B - December 9, 2009

Before the sixties, women were to men- like some type of property.
·Married women were legally dead in the eyes of the law
·Women were not allowed to vote
·Women had to submit to laws when they had no voice in their formation
·Married women had no property rights
·Husbands had legal power over and responsibility for their wives to the extent that they could imprison or beat them with impunity
·Divorce and child custody laws favored men, giving no rights to women
·Women had to pay property taxes although they had no representation in the levying of these taxes
·Most occupations were closed to women and when women did work they were paid only a fraction of what men earned
·Women were not allowed to enter professions such as medicine or law
·Women had no means to gain an education since no college or university would accept women students
·With only a few exceptions, women were not allowed to participate in the affairs of the church
·Women were robbed of their self-confidence and self-respect, and were made totally dependent on men.
The mentioned above was a type of discrimination that women got tired of and said enough, is enough. Now in the 21rst century women have “equal rights” as men, but are it completely true? Is know that until today women still suffer from gender discrimination, not as open as before but is still out there. Most high paying jobs are still held by men, women get paid 25 percent less than men in work -field. Not only that most women work more than men, Is a fact that most women get out of “work”, to go home and continue their daily second or first job, however you want to call it; working full time and being homemakers at the same time. Since it’s “their responsibility” to take care of the children and the house shores (society’s rule) and having the struggle of dealing and doing everything right. Stress is a condition that most women can handle but is a form of disease that women need to fight on a daily basis. Statistics show that most women suffer from heart conditions related to stress (Figure). Is not really that women are unhappy, is just the fact that women are trying to handle to many things at the same time and stressful situation is affecting not only their physical health but their emotional health as well.

14. Giovanni Khuri- Phil 125 - December 9, 2009

I don’t believe the problem is having too many options or too little options. Life isn’t perfect, period. I think we as a society, not just women, should learn to appreciate the idea of moderation. A simple life or an extravagant one will surely contribute to an unsatisfied life. But if women can find a middle ground of possibilites, the probability of happiness seems much higher. The media continually pumps ideas into the brains of women; “you need more of this and you need more of that.” Regardless of the level of freedom, everything in moderation can be satisfying. On the other side of the arguement this concept is very difficult to tackle because different people have different ideas of what constitutes happiness. Many women’s ideas of happiness is as the media or society defines it. However with the defintion constantly changing women are never able to attain it. I believe the solution is simple. If women live their lives one day at a time and discover moderation, happiness can be theirs.

15. Kristina - October 18, 2010

Most of the women I know, are actually not as happy as the men I know. Maybe it’s just the people I know and it would be inaccurate to make this a generalization, but it is kind of odd that it would appear to be true. I believe women generally obsess about little things in life that most men overlook. For example, I live with my fiance and he can let dishes pile up in the sink and it won’t even phase him. However, I stress over it and will literally lose sleep if the dishes are not done and the apartment is not clean. I would openly admit that he is a happier person than I am, and I can safely attribute some of that to a man’s lack of attention to detail. I believe I am a happy person, but the roles women may play in conjunction with the female wiring, do sometimes lead to higher stress and obsessive worrying. I would definitely disagree with the judgment that women are less happy because of bearing and raising children. If anything, this would attribute to happiness, although may cause more stress, but a different kind of stress. A woman naturally desires to be a caretaker. Or at least I do. I am not sure I want to have my own children, but I do believe a career in nursing will prove to be rewarding and lead to happiness in my job. I think that in the big picture of things, male or female, you can be happy if you want to be happy. It has nothing to do with gender differences, but more personality characteristics that can either make life more difficult or lead to happiness!

16. Mary Adams Phil 125 - December 1, 2010

“The lower the expectations, the more at ease you might be with less. The higher the expectations, the more frustration you’re likely to feel.” As you stated, yes this may be a simplistic example of people’s happiness. But why is it that we must lower our expectations in life in order to find happiness? Why can’t we have high expectations and goals and still be happy? Women are held with so many expectations and are given their societal role and if they fail at this then they failed at their chance at “happiness.” Who is to be told what will or will not make you happy. Women for ages have been left to take care of the household and children. This only is not an easy of fun task in any manner. Therefore, women have learned to worry, give up their desired lifestyle and sacrifice for what is considered the “right thing to do”. And yes, Disney movies portray how being the ultimate house wife and finding your prince charming to take care of everything for you so all you have to do is give him children may seem like a life worth living, but it no means is that happiness to every woman. I believe we will one day live in a society where women are freed from the expectations of what will bring them “happiness”.

17. Giana Marzicola - December 1, 2010

I think the question, Are women really unhappy? is such a broad description to actually answer. Our society is created around one’s success and someone else failure. To pinpoint key factors as to what may cause a woman’s unhappiness is what i find absurd. Having children should be a joyous occasion, and yes at times women may feel stressed, but that is a minute factor to a life of raising children. Women are gradually making an impact in life and doing “man’s work”, and i think adjusting to new things is going to cause people to feel unhappy, but it is the long term reward that should determine your happiness, not the short term failure.

Asur - December 3, 2010

Are you saying that success in America is a zero-sum game?

That’s rather bleak.

18. Emily Johnson - December 7, 2010

I haven’t read through all of these posts so excuse me if I repeat an already suggested quote. But as an American I have automatically learned to generalize the word “happiness” with John Locke’s “Life, liberty and the pursuit of wealth”

Somehow along the way in this patriarchal society, wealth assumed to mean happiness in a rather late “politically correct” bias. In context therefore wealth = happiness. Wealth for most of America from a patriarchal standpoint, is associated with men and their easy rise to it. Women only within the last what, at most 50 years have begun to assume any wealthy status and recognition? The pyramid of society that patriarchy has created has certainly diminished significantly over those last 50 years and as Dwight’s post stated:

“They will not be satisfied with a return to the days when college was for finding a husband and achievement narrated on the pages of Good Housekeeping, regardless of how much peace and contentment such a retreat might promise.”

What I like to refer back to, is that the not so polarized gender gap between men and women has only been a voluntary give on the dominant [male] side, politically at most and socially at best. Women’s happiness, if it is dependent on typically male aspects of social roles (wealth, materialism, independence) is shaded under the umbrella of male anyway. So doesn’t this pigeonhole us regardless? I think that if women are truly unhappy, the best remedy to fix this is to close the gap between male and female roles, not stray away from them (ie: women’s unhappiness living in such a state). I think it has been responsible for women to assume their independence but in an “ideal” society, maybe men should begin to lessen theirs.

Asur - December 7, 2010

As someone who believes in gender equity, I agree with your general drift…

…but I’d really, really like to move to this ‘America’ you speak of, where apparently men have an easy rise to wealth. That would be awesome.

19. niki novak - December 8, 2010

First I would have to define happiness as life satisfaction. For to me happiness stems from an overall positive regard about your life and the choices you make in it.What has changed in society over the course of a century to create a total shift of overall life satisfaction between men and women with women possesing the lesser of the two? I agree with Buckingham, its chioces. However, I believe its a choice in ethics. I agree with psychologist Carol Gillligan in that women live thier lives under a different moral code, then men. Women believe in an ethics of care which is the reason that women pursue their social pursuits in regards to education and jobs in the public sector, but unlike men,women tend not to devalue their family obligations. We can look at the differences between men in women over this past century and yes like the study presented on the hoffigtons blog, women are less happier then men, but over the course of a century women have also aquired more responsibilities then men. And no, these responsibilities do not include dinner party planning.over the course of this past century so many children have been born out of wedlock and raised by women. Where were the men in these instences? Why being happy of course, obtaining jobs with no child obligations,( id like to see the stats on that) Women live in a world ruled by mens code of ethics, where yes there emotional responses toward things do not get them ahead, however if more family accountability were placed on men, id put money on that survey would have had different results.
Not enough time to elaborate further on pionts, sorry.be back tomorrow

Asur - December 9, 2010

You’re ignoring the shared responsibility of women in deciding to have children. Actually, no, I take that back: Not the ‘shared responsibility’ — since the baby grows in her own body, and no one else has the right to determine what you do with your own body, potential mothers have the sole right to decide if they are, in fact, going to become mothers.

With sole right comes sole responsibility.

And the notion that men, specifically, need more family accountability is offensive: Custody and child support law is biased for women and against men. Which is especially ironic, given that it’s more a relic of the old chauvinism that it’s the man’s duty to protect the woman and the woman’s duty to raise the children than it is a result actual feminism and cognizance of injustice.

Social equity is taking its sweet time to arrive, but biased notions of what ‘social equity’ actually means will keep it from ever arriving.

20. Yvonne Spayd - December 8, 2010

Now a day we all have to create your own happiness, No matter what you put in your life wether it be children, work, school or just yourself. There are times I feel that I have accomplished all with my children, now I am learning to keep my happiness going with laughter because of a recent death. I am happy and will keep my memories of all the happy times to light my way.

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